"Mommy"

November 20, 2010. I can't believe that it has been two years since she died. Mommy, my aunt. She was everyone's second mom. Such a very kind, a very patient, a very understanding and loving woman.

It's been two years.. but it seems like it was just a month ago. The same painful feelings cover me as I write this piece. I can still recall clearly how everything went that day.

Just got off from work, I and Winston had breakfast together as i plan to go directly to the hospital and spend some time with Mommy. It was so difficult to finish my food, thinking about her and her condition - i have not seen her awake since leg got amputated. The background music was Mariah Carey's version of "Silent Night" which is so heartful. I was sobbing. I was praying and hoping then, that she'd be better by Christmas time.

I went straight to the hospital. She was still asleep. There have been a lot of tracking devices and dextrose connected to her body. And worse, my mom (my biological mother) was holding an ambu-bag (the one used to pump air in the patient's mouth) - made me wonder, "Why? What's next?" That scenario was undeniably painful.

She was still asleep and I took over the pumping. I was talking to her and at the same time praying.

It was about lunch time when i decided to go home and take some rest because I still have to go to work that night. Past one o'clock in the afternoon when i got home. I changed clothes and just when i was about to lay down, i got a text message from my mom "Anak, wala na si mommy..." - speech less. At that very moment i wanted to panic, but at the same time i was not moving, i cannot move.

After a while, i was able to regain my thoughts. Then i hurriedly changed clothes again and went back to the hospital. I was texting my cousins about what just happened.

I reached the hospital, but something's stopping me from going in. It was so hard to walk towards her room. Until i was finally there..

I opened the door, my cousin and my mom were sitting on the couch. And there she was, lying peacefully. But this time, there were no more apparatus and machines - just her body in her death bed. Then i wonder why i couldnt cry. Not even a single tear fell from my eyes. But deep inside i was screaming of so much hurt!

I was just staring at her thinking maybe if i could've stayed a bit longer..


I miss her so much.


Victorina Bulaon Bugarin (RIP)
February 25, 1945 - November 20, 2008